"Accept what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be"
If you think about any time in your life when you were catalyzed to change you had to let go of the life you knew before. Maybe it was a graduation, a breakup, a job change, moving out, getting married, falling ill, having children, or emptying the nest. If you really think about all these transitions, even the happy ones, a death occurs. Your former life is dying. Who you were before becoming a parent, your life before cancer, your life before your job loss, that stability you had in that comfort zone of your former identity is no longer there to hold onto. Author Mary Karr has said “If you live in the dark a long time and the sun comes out, you do not cross into it whistling. There's an initial uprush of relief at first, then for me, anyway- a profound dislocation. My old assumptions about how the world works are buried, yet my new ones aren't yet operational.There's been a death of sorts, but without a few days in hell, no resurrection is possible.” It is like the chrysalis, not yet a butterfly, and no longer the caterpillar. In between worlds from shedding it’s old skin while still discovering who it will become. I remember during the year of my wedding I felt like my emotions were all over the place. At first I felt crazy, why was I so sensitive, irritable and teary? My mother would call to check in on me and wonder why I was so distressed, “It’s a happy occasion!” She would try and reassure me. But I knew there was something deeper at play. It was when I started acquainting myself with Joseph Campbell and the “Hero’s Journey” that I learned I was stepping through a threshold. I was crossing the line of who I was before as an untethered albeit committed woman, to a soon to be married one. So even the happy events of our lives like getting married, being pregnant, moving to a new home, or starting a new job is accompanied by a mix of dread and celebration. We need to learn how to feel both at the same time. Instead of acknowledging that loss is a part of life, we’re so quick to bypass it. We’ve been trained in ‘getting over it’ to silver line it, sugar coat it and pretend we’re fine when we’re not. We may not want to identify as the widow, the cancer patient, or the currently unemployed. We might hide out of shame or try and fight our new reality because we’re afraid of admitting that we are no longer who we once were. In our culture we’ve been told to focus on the positive, get back into the dating game, get back into the job market, force ourselves out of bed, push through to the next stage, focus on the celebration without staying too long in any feelings of confusion, loss, anger, sadness, fear, or disappointment that shadows every transition. We’re afraid that if we really let ourselves feel all of it we might just fall apart. We resist what is because we’re afraid if we really accepted our situation, it might never change. We fear that the sadness would be too overwhelming, the loneliness would break our hearts. But what if acceptance doesn’t mean resignation? It just means accepting the reality of what is, as it is. It means choosing to be in the present moment, not what once was or the hopes of what could be, because the present is the only thing that’s true. We don’t like the feeling of the liminal space, the space between worlds. We want to know what’s next. We like having the answers instead of being in the space of the questions. This place in between what was and what will be might feel scary and confusing because it is unknown. Remind yourself you have been here before. In every transition point in your life, the next step felt scary. You didn’t know what puberty would be like, or your first day of school, or what you wanted to study, you may not have known if you’d ever find love, if you could survive loss, or if your body would ever heal- but then somehow you managed to get onto the other side of the unknown. You passed over that threshold with new gifts and learnings. The truth is it’s perfectly normal to feel scared, confused, sad or afraid of what you don’t yet know. It’s just how our brains are designed, to stay in the comfortable places we know so well even when we’ve outgrown them. When we stop trying to fix or change or deny our loss, we can be transformed by the powerful healing balm of truth. It restores our integrity and our wholeness. When we stop pushing down our emotions we can start listening to them instead, and befriend what simply wants our attention and our compassion. I was talking to a client recently who was having a hard time knowing how to celebrate her upcoming birthday. Unfortunately that was also the day her best friend had passed away. While she used to love birthdays, she began to dread this day. She didn’t want to celebrate- how could she when her friend was no longer here? It reminded me of this story that I shared with her. It is a Jewish teaching that comes from Rabbi Simcha Bunem of Pershyscha. It was said that he carried two slips of paper, one in each pocket. On one note he wrote: Bishvili nivra ha-olam—“for my sake the world was created.” On the other he wrote: V’anokhi afar v’efer”—“I am but dust and ashes.” He would take out each slip of paper as necessary, as a reminder to himself. I believe that how we live fully is a measure of how we hold both. I told her that your celebration of life, does not take away from the loss you feel. You can hold both simultaneously. Every new beginning has an ending, and with that comes a loss. We need to learn how to be in the spaces of the unknown, the spaces of the paradox. How we are but dust and ashes, a little speck in the vast universe and at the same time hold that the universe was made just for us. That we are only matter, and that we greatly matter.
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My friend is going through a really rough period in her life. She is in the process of getting divorced, and is living alone for the first time in 15 years. She lost her passion for anything. She used to love cooking and eating but now has no appetite. She used to take art classes and spend her time creatively, now she just feels like sleeping or watching Netflix. She’s lost her spark. She’s depressed but she’s not doing anything to get help. She doesn’t want to speak to a therapist or be on medication or do anything in particular about it. At first I wanted to fix it for her. I suggested all the books and healers I’ve read that helped me through rough times. But I soon discovered that my advice wasn’t welcome. Every time I brought up what she could do to change her situation she got defensive. She didn’t want to try to make it better. She wanted to just be in it. She thought I was trying to coach her, and she just wanted me to be there for her as a friend. As a coach who has dedicated my life to self-growth and transformation– hearing that she didn’t want to do anything to change her situation was difficult for me to understand. I learned that when someone is going through a rough time whether they are grieving or depressed– there is no timeline for “getting over it.” And our impatience never helps hurry things along. It only makes it worse. Of course it is our love for them that makes us want to heal their pain. It is our love that wants to show them the bright side of life that they may have forgotten. We think, “If only they could see the potential we see for them. If only we could talk them into a more hopeful place.” Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. Wishing for things to be different doesn’t make it so. And we can’t carry other people’s pain for them. (Well I suppose we can, but I’m sure we have enough of our own to carry around that we may just break our back doing double time). We can’t take responsibility for anyone else’s life but our own. But there are still ways we can be supportive. Here are a few I have found helpful in my own relationship and I would love to hear which ones resonate most with you. #1 Meet them where they are. The truth is we can only help those who want to be helped. One of the most profound things I learned in my coaching training was this: “When we are confronted with moving forward, we are also confronted with allowing other people to be exactly where they are.” Accept that they are where they are. It is not a reflection of you as a family member or a friend. It is their process, their time, their journey and you can’t rush them along or expect them to see life through your unique lens. If they initiate and ask for the number of a coach or therapist by all means share it. If they need a lift to a doctor’s appointment by all means offer it. But if they are not actively trying to change where they are, then let them be where they are.* Meet them there. *Unless they are under 18, a threat to themselves and in your personal care. #2 Be empathetic and compassionate This is different than sympathy where you look down on someone suffering as “aw poor you” or minimize how they’re feeling by saying, “at least you still have _____.” Instead of silver lining their pain, this step is about being with them in their pain. Knowing that pain is a human condition. It is something we all know in one form or another. You might want to share the times you felt sad, alone or hurt. What was that like for you? It takes courage to be vulnerable, but it also allows you to connect with that person on a deeper level. This isn’t about comparing your wounds, or trying to change it for them. This is about speaking from your own heart about a time when you also felt what they might be feeling, even if circumstances were different. The idea here is that they are not alone in their pain. If they think they are the only one’s suffering, that isolation can breed shame. But the moment they hear that you (and the rest of the world) have been through painful moments– it provides some consolation that we are all human. That pain is part of the human condition and we all suffer at different points in our lives. It doesn’t mean we have to go through it alone or that it has to be a constant in their lives. #3 Validate their feelings. Have you ever had the experience of expressing how you feel and have someone tell you it wasn’t true or it didn’t happen that way? I remember sharing a childhood memory with my sister once and she responded with, “What are you talking about? It didn’t happen that way. How can you say that?” It made me feel so low. I spiraled into self-doubt and felt utterly misunderstood and it took me a long time to share my own feelings with her again. You invalidate feelings when you reject, ignore, deny or judge another person’s feelings. When you say things like, “Don’t cry.” “Why can’t you get over this already?” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re oversensitive.” Or “It wasn’t that bad.” On the other hand validating feelings is all about allowing the other person to feel heard and understood. You can validate their feelings by allowing them to safely share how they feel with you. When you validate, you reassure them that you accept how they are feeling. Validating is not the same as agreeing. Their perspective and emotions might be different than yours but when you can listen to them with empathy and openness, you show them you care and help nurture your relationship. You can validate in a few ways: You can gently nod as they speak showing you understand them and you can be patient when the other person is not yet ready to talk. You can also validate how they feel by mirroring (repeating) back to them what they are saying. If they say: “I'm really struggling" You echo what they say. “It sounds like you're really struggline.” You don’t say: “It sounds like life is really depressing.” You don’t say: “Look at the bright side, it isn’t that bad.” They say “struggling”, you say “struggling.” It’s very important not to insert your own words or give your own interpretation here. It seems simple and silly but it can make a world of difference. #4 Love them as they are We are always trying to lift people up to where WE are. How generous of us! We don’t want them to be sad. Why not? Well it makes us sad to see them sad. Being sad might mean they’re a downer to hang out with. We secretly think, “Get over it!” “Be happy already!” “Do something to fix this!” “Stop being so selfish!” But lifting them up to our level is not actually possible for them at the moment. It’s hard to be told to be somewhere other than where they are. All you can do is love them as they are, where they are, without trying to change it for them. (Unless they ask you for help, their life is in danger or they are under 18 and in your care). If your need more suggestions, here are some other ones from my personal experience of what you can do for this person who is suffering: It’s in the little things
Set limits on what you are able to provide
Be patient
Seek support yourself
Know that you are not alone and there are millions of people who are going through this and are affected by depression daily. For further resources check out: Depression in men: http://headsupguys.org Depression in families: http://www.familyaware.org/ Peer support for people with depression: http://www.depression-understood.org/ Cognitive behaviourial skill building: https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Note: This post does not replace professional medical or psychological advice. It is from my own personal experience of what has worked for me. When in doubt, ask for help and start by making an appointment with a psychotherapist. I would love to hear your ideas or what good support has looked like for you or how you have helped to support your loved ones going through a painful period in their lives. Please share your stories in the comments below. xoxox There was a time when I hated Savasana. It was about five years ago when my yoga practice felt more like a yoga race. When I went to a yoga studio I was under the direction of a skilled teacher. I am good at following instructions for the most part, so when she told us to breathe, I did. When she told us to hold a pose, I did. When at the end of the hour long class she told us to lie on our backs and reap the benefits of our practice while lying down in Savasana or corpse pose- I followed along because everyone else was doing it, so I had actual permission to let go and relax. My other subliminal reasoning may have been that I paid $15 for the class, so leaving before Savasana would be the equivalent of paying for a three-course meal and not eating dessert. My own home practice was a different story. I would rush through the yoga poses without the patience I had found in class. I knew I was supposed to hold the poses for a certain number of breaths. I knew I was supposed to notice my reaction to whatever thoughts or emotions would arise while I stayed in a posture. Instead, when no one was watching and without a community to practice with- I admit, I actually cheated. I rushed through to the next pose as soon as I got bored of the one I was currently in. My desire to "get there already" was stronger than my desire to accept and honor where I actually was in the moment. It felt like my mind was saying, "Come on keep it moving Myrite. No time for stillness here." By the end of the practice, when I was supposed to reap the rewards by resting in Savasana (where as you might recall, all I had to do was lie on my back with my eyes closed) I skipped it entirely. I rolled up my mat thinking: "Who has time for this? I have things to do. I have emails to write and clients to get back to!" I named every excuse I had in me, put away my mat and jumped in the shower. Yoga was more like a stretching exercise routine than a spiritual practice and I was clearly missing the point. There is a saying that the practice of yoga is both "on and off the mat." I get that now. It's similar to what I tell my clients, "The way you do one thing is the way you do everything." So, how was I practicing yoga at the time? I was speeding so fast the yoga police should have ticketed me. At the time, I was valuing action more than intention. As long as I was busy doing something, it didn't matter that I was doing it so mindlessly. Curious, I looked up what "Savasana" meant on Wikipedia. And here was the first sentence of the entry: Savasana is perhaps the most important part of yoga practice. The. Most. Important. Part. I can now look back at that time in my life and gently place the palm of my hand to my forehead in WhatWasIRushingFor pose (a new pose I just came up with). A conversation I recently had with a client reminded me of this impatient phase of my life. Except she had the self-awareness I lacked. She recognized that when she didn't carve time out for herself, she would end up feeling resentful and overwhelmed, eventually taking out her frustration on her family. She recognized that she was too busy and needed something to help restore her sanity, her balance and her health. So her solution was to add more "nothing time" to her schedule. Curious, I asked, "So what will you do in that nothing time?" There was a long pause followed by laughter. "Well...nothing." She knew that making space for "Savasana" was as important as scheduling when she would pick her kids up from school. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the busyness, that we don't know how to be "un-busy." We don't know how to create the sacred space around us to be idle. We actually see idleness as being unproductive! So here's your Om-work for this week: Learn how to veg out. I don't mean sitting in front of the TV watching episode after episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix. I mean doing nothing with awareness. You may not have a yoga teacher to massage rose oil into your temples, playing Krishna Das and telling you to relax but here are some ideas of how you can be your own teacher and make space for vegging out mindfully.
I'm curious, which one of these suggestions are you planning to try? I love hearing from you (and we can always learn from each other) so feel free to leave a comment about with where you feel challenged when it comes to making time for your Self. xo |